Into the past.

Something that i have been looking forward to: that is revamping my whole room. Did some tidying up and spring cleaning today. I have never done a serious tidying up of my room before, so today i actually thrown away lots of stuffs and in the process of sieving through all my belongings, i found some items that happen to be lost years back. Beside that, there are still secondary school maths test paper in my cabinet, which when i look at it, it really brings me back to the time when i am fiddling with coordinate geometry and quadratic. Then there are those little dairies that i kept when i in primary school. When i read the content, it is just too hilarious, i cannot believe i wrote those words. LOL! There are also photos from my primary school all the way to JC time. Lastly, need to decide what to keep and what to dispose off, this is kind of like the hardest part. LOL! I can just stare into open space and think, should i keep this for about 5 mins before continuing. Well, all in all, it is quite a successful one, my room looks neater, but there is a round 2 tomorrow. There are just too much stuffs in my room,

Next, i wanna talk about something which i observed. If we review what happen in the world, there are the 911 incident that concerns with terrorism, then Sichuan quake, Environmental issue, poverty and everyday, there are natural disasters that took away lives daily. All these are big events that surround us, but dun actually affect us much. When we read the news, our reaction will likely to be emotional at first, but later on, this piece of news will just be store at the dark and cold storage compartment in the brain. Next, we will just get on with life with our line of sight limited to what we can see and do or even continue to lament about those small trivial stuff that we happens to see on the street. What i am trying to say is, why are people just too concern about themselves such as earning money, studying or indulging in any entertainment activities. Whenever i hear talks about singaporean argueing over MRT seats, tissue paper, i was thinking, can they please look out beyond the sea, there are people suffering, starving or even dying. If they got the energy to start forum like this, i will suggest they do some voluntary work.

I mean if people want to limit their world to nothing beyond 10 feet from them, it is ok, just that end of the day, they will be ridiculed as myopic, ignorant and apathetic. Which i think is a shame. What i am advocating here is, please be concern about the world, Dont do things just for yourself, try to help people that are suffering. The grades on the result slip is not all there is to it, and so is the money that people are busy accumulating.

ORD-ed.

Have not been blogging for some time, and when i pen this entry, i had ORDed. It is really kind of fast. I know is cliche, but enlistment just felt like yesterday, and those period in camp is stil fresh in my memory. LOL! Anyway, it is something like 2 days after i ORD, and what have i been doing, or am going to do.

1. Go for a morning run daily if possible. ( Actually is like afternoon run, cos i always woke up late.)

2. Fiddle with my guitar. Still exploring and learning man... There are so much things to learn!

3. Play my piano. Continue the journey that stops temporarily when i was in primary 3.

4. Of course, reading up books everyday. Now reading up on astronomy, geog, econs and current affairs stuff.

5. Sign up with few tuition agency... No reply sia... Guess must wait a bit longer.

6. Trying to apply for relief teaching.

7. Apply for voluntary work, but there is like no response also. Argh.. I think the processing will take quite some time.

That sounds like a lot of things i am going to do everyday. But seriously, it is not.... I still can get bored at home. Ya... So is either i go to the TV and try tuning to every channels i subscribed and check for interesting programmes or i just sleep. Pace is quite slow and is good. I intend to keep it this way. lol... Anyway, from what i compute, i guess my future life will be slow and good as well, unless i forgot to account for other factors that will screw up my computation.

These few days really is good. Doing what interests me, no restrictions. Listening to music, playing music, reading up texts that interests me... That is really LIFE! After been through the 2 years, i really reformed my whole life and thinking man. 2 years back, if you give me this time, i guess i will be slacking, playing comp game plus reading books as well. So what's the difference between now and 2 yrs back?

1. I dun game that much now let alone been obsessed with it. Last time i quite obsessed with chinese game and when started with those RPG, i could hardly pull myself away from it. Now, i do very occasional gaming, and even if i game, i am in control, i wun let game occupy half my day man!

2. OK. I dun exercise in the past. Always, wanted to get started, but never get started. Now, i feel working out is a good way to start a day or rejunevate oneself.

3. Then is the genre of book i read. Now i m reading a more diverse types of books. No long confined to my relativity and quantum physics. Sometimes reading up about what is happening around us(life politics or volcano bla blah), make us understand better and appreciate better. It will really be quite a joke if here we are living on this planet, and dun even know what is happening around us. People are apathetic because they think what is happening dun affect them when in actual fact, it does. I will say, it is ok not take participate or act but must at least know.

4. Oops... third point sounds too serious. Anyway, i got my new-found interest that is music. I want to try this out for a while. I dunno how far i will go, but i just wanna indulge in it for a moment. lol.. Sometimes it is really mesmerising that you can just blend into the melody..

Anyway, i going to end this post with what i have learnt over the 2 yrs. It is not easy been in infantry especially when mine is a trial plus active battalion. From the head to end, the schedule is packed, with no lull in between, and is that bad that i ORD with un-cleared off. But is really not big a deal. In wun be worst than, you having dinner with ur family at IMM and suddenly, a phone call came and tell you that you are activated and need to be in changi in 1 hour time. By the way, all my stuffs still at home. I still remember i ran in the shopping mall which is totally very "shi tai". haha... after been through so much stuffs, i accumulated damned lots of stories and funny moments. Remember i saying, when i post to BMT i in leopard coy which is very slack. That is like throwing a 6 in a dice. Then when i post to changi there, is like throwing a 1. The worst throw ever. Some people got 6 all the way... But at the end, i am glad that i ORD with a 6 in a dice-throwing. This last "6" that i gotten is probably so powerful that whatever number i got before that is deemed unimportant. The hell lots of hardship and the changes in my personal life makes me grow up a lot. What i've learnt is really beyond words can describe...

To end my 2 years. I dare say i serve my 3SIR unit with pride! Bye to my 2 yearS! Arios!

Q&A

Ok, got this from chee blog. Kind of interesting... and since i got the time, i will do it.

Questions!

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favourite and least favourite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Answers!

01) YES! With my mum, dad, sis, friends!
02) This sentence is wrong semantically, but no matter wad i become i the future, as long as i can close my eyes and picture myself standing on a vast green land enjoying the breeze under the blue sky, i think that is good enough.
03) Seriously, never given this a serious thought before. Lazy to think about it also.
04) cocktail.
05) well, i got limited veg vocab. Can i dun answer this?
06) The end of poverty!
07) Virgo, Dragon
08) LOL! this is funny. "Explain" where? Shouldn't it be "state" where? Anyway, i got none.
09) Lazy.......
10) YES!
11) Badminton
12) Well, seriously - midway
13) Sit down and press the alarm.
14) Thinking about the worst thing.
15) Think a lot?
16) Nope.
17) Say hi...
18) I saw u at primary one. Do u think i can remember?
19) Both.
20) Hair bah.
21) Conscience.
22) Black...
23) No.
24) Can Soda
25) That is not a lot. lol. Too lazy to think about this also.
26) Any place under the night sky.
27) LOL... yes!
28) Listening to music ba.. read books
29) Sometimes.
30) Boredom?
31) Flaneur?
32) Seriously.... YES!
33) Just hate clam, oyster, century egg!
34) Yeap....

Ok.. done. Some questions require me to ruminate about the future. But since it hasn't happen, den i quite lazy to think about it.

A fullstop, at least for now.

Recreating my lifestyle.

Just came back from Taiwan. Seriously, Taiwan is really a nice place, the urban area is insanely fun, and the suburban area is exceedingly serene. Anyway, Because of some exercise, i get to sleep under the night sky in Taiwan. I seriously cant forget that, it was windy and above me, was tons and tons of glittering stars. I just stare at it for hours as usual, mind start drifitng about, thinking about various stuffs. This is something which i will not be able to experience in Singapore and i love it. Yea... then came the fun part at Taipei city. Ok, it is just shopping and gawking at many gorgeous girls on the street. Anyway, had a talk with taiwan friends that i know there, we were talking about the difference between Singapore and Taiwan, be it culture, society and even girls. LOL. I think i learn a lot from him. Aiya, i got update a of taiwan photos in my facebook, so can take a look there for more info. haha.

My service to the nation is coming to an end. To be precise, i am left with less than 2 weeks. In the past, whenever i project the panorama of ORD, i will get quite elated, but now, when ORD is literally beside you, i felt nothing. LOL. Could it be i actually miss my NS period? Well, i guess so... The good and bad time that i went through in NS, the friends that i met on the way, the myriad of profanities i learnt, i guess all these are really worth remembering. Something that i will bring away with me when i ORD.

Know 2 Taiwan friends there. Ah Jun(left) and Ah kuan(right).




















One 22 yrs old, one 25 yrs old. The left one got a gf for 7 yrs, right one 9 yrs. OMG! Their GF are damned nice-looking somemore. Ah Jun always says, "我想被兵变啊，但她都不离我“ and "你是被兵变，Ah kuan 不想兵变，我想被兵变”. Quite true, 3 different scenario. Though ah jun always say that, but can tell he really love his gf, cos if not, he would have dumped her. haha! But really, if i got a nice gf that willing to stick to me, i am so willing to give up everything just for her. Sounds stupid huh.... I think is quite stupid also.

Ok, i think i end here...

魔杰座

How nice, just before i depart for Taiwan, i stumble upon Jay's new album for download. I like his album, most of the songs are still as alluring. Just that there are less emo songs this time round. I guess i can slowly listen and appreciate his song when i in Taiwan. And... i will still get his album when i return to Singapore. His album is definitely worth the money. NOT A SINGLE DOUBT!

The nicest song in this album is 失落的非主流. nice sad song...

Fly. Flight.

Going over to Taiwan tomorrow. Going to be a 19 days stay there. Kind of looking forward to what is going to happen there, but no doubt, leaving my homeland will be a bit emotional. Seriously, thanks god i am not attached, or else this night is going to feel like forever. Talking about this, went out with Vincent for movie and pool session. We watched "house bunny" which is quite a good show. A comedy based on the US university lifestyle, showing "fraternities and sororities" and all the uni kind of relationships. The eye-opening part is seeing those girls transformed from mediocre look to those "WOW" kind of look, din know making up and dressing up can be so revolutionary.

Then for pool, i improved a lot. Last time, when played with him i will really get trashed quite badly, but now we are more or less be on par. This is a good sign, i mean at least we can now play a good proper game. But still, he is the best player out of all my friends. lol. Pool is fun!

Anyway, talked to vincent about some issues. I was saying that sometimes we cannot just start a relationship because we love a girl, we got to take a look at ourselves, can we actually give her happiness, satisfy her every demands or are we actually a worthy boyfriend that she will be proud to mention in front of her friends. Then i continued, for example, if someone is an tall, tanned officer plus some chairman in some societies, his girlfriend will be proud to have him as a boyfriend. Then he said, if she is that kind that treat you as a label then you should stop being with her. But the problem is most of the time you wun know what girl is thinking about, even though you have been with her for years. So obviously, by upgrading yourself to a more worthy boyfriend is the safest way to sustain relationship.

End of the day, i feel the argument is so wrong. Isn't relationship all about love? Why does it involve so much externalities. Perhaps the world is getting far too complex and intelligent.

If relating to my past kind of lifestyle whereby i chase a girl just because there is this tingling infatuation or some weak definition of love, i think things change. Seriously, doing some introspection, i dun have outstanding achievements, like chairman of blah blah or officer. I dun have outstanding look. I am not so rich that i can drive different sports car every month. I really dun have much to offer girl( Maybe i can offer love and commitment, but seriously buy that?) . This substantiate the point that i should not go into relationship now or anytime soon.

Hmmm.... When i am confident of being a good boyfriend and able to give the one i love happiness, then i shall start a relationship. I have seriously no confidence....

Last Flight.

Have not been blogging for quite some time. Last week is my birthday and there was some celebration from my friends in NS-A treat to jack's place. As for birthday wish, i got a target for the next 1 year of my life. For me, attaining that is something like a quantum leap, but i will try my best... I dun wan to regret when i am older or even let my children fulfill my goal for me in the future. I wanna do it for myself while i still can!

Going over to Taiwan in 6 days time. It will be a rather long stay for about 3 weeks, after which i am going to prepare for my ORD in 2 weeks time when i touch down singapore. Well, my OC(from RJC) had a last interview with me last night, I talked about what i will be doing in the future, and he expressed his opinion abt me- I get things done in my own way. Responsible. Can be entrusted with task. He end everything with, "U r a good guy". Ok, this just sounds weird. Well, all in all, i am content with what i have achieved in NS and at least i gain more respect than some so-called officers.

Time to transit.

Spica

There is still jap song intro by my frenx that i like a lot. The song name is "Spica", which refers to the brightest star in the constellation Virgo, and guess wad, my horoscope is Virgo. Maybe because of this affiliation that is why i like it so much!

Lyrics is here!

I know it was you who told me
That two stars are called by one name
Tokyo is decorated in all different colours
So many lights to negate the darkness

I searched for the night sky
How long did it take me?
Everything I do is all for you

See, if the light of the stars reunites the two hands that were parted
If the name of the star I’ve just remembered leads me to a future I’d lost the way to
We’ll be side by side forever, just the two of us, a white Spica

We came undone, unable to work out the fraction of our love
It’s OK to have the same answer as someone else
Watching the moon, climbing a hill, wandering in space
I sing like a cat crying

How long will it be
Until the morning comes?
Don’t lie, don’t go away

If the light of the stars still connects me to a love I’d forgotten
If the name of the star I’ve just remembered illuminates a future that was hidden
We’ll surely be side by side, just the two of us, a white Spica

See, if the light of the stars reunites the two hands that were parted
If the name of the star I’ve just remembered leads me to a future I’d lost the way to
If the light of the stars still connects me to a love I’d forgotten
If the name of the star I’ve just remembered illuminates a future that was hidden
We’ll be side by side forever, just the two of us, a white Spica

I heard a gentle, gentle voice
Sad, sad tears fell
I miss, I miss your heart
But I’ll never see you again
I’ll never see you again…
We look really far apart from here
I could see you in my past and in my future

Under the moon.

Now is past 12am, so technically speaking yesterday is "mid-autumn festival". Went out with some old friends to play lanterns and some candles. Looking at the wax and wavering flame, it brings me back to my childhood time. The innocence and fun-loving nature is just so tickling to the memory.

Anyway, there is still particular person that kind of pissed me off, for talking so mindlessly. I know i rarely burst out in anger and rarely show my disgruntlement, and that does not mean he can talk to me as if i am just a punching bag-For him to punch! Well, i seriously cant be bothered about him, i am just so tired to argue with him. Dun understand how some people can be so retarded after living for 20 years.

I know wad i wanna learn....

Ruminating....

Let's say, We start at point A, and choosing a particular path we reach point B. Now, point B is just only inches beside point A. It is as though if there is a map of our life, We are circling about the same ground- We have not move at all. If i am like nicolas cage in the movie "Next", i will map out all possibilities of my future and choose the path according to the result i want.

Sometimes i dunno how to describe my life. It can be colourful because many wonderful things past by me and i have witnessed them, and am still going to witness them. But it can sucks, because i fail to hold on to alot of them. Next question is, in order to be happy, must we learn to hold on to things such that we can learn to treasure, or must we actually learn to let go because nothing in the world is immutable?

Oh ya... i am lying in the second paragraph. I will describe my life as colourful, because i am an utilitarian, it is more useful to believe life is good and nice :)

A facade

Woke up at 8 plus and lay on bed thinking about my past, present, future and essentially what kind of person am i.

I really sucks at expressing my thoughts and emotions. There is this this stoic calm countenance that forbid me to express my emotion within me. I treasure the ppl around me alot, but i just dun show it, and that is why the people around me keeps leaving i guess. How emotionally retarded i am... My mask wear off only when i am alone.

Excellent results, good CCA, scholarship, Officer- This should be the correct path everybody is aiming i guess, and eventually emerge as the elite of the society. I got this chance to take this path, but i blew the chance. Beside, taking up this path will earn you a greater recognition and if you got a girlfriend, i think she will be very proud to have you as her boyfriend. There are various turns in my life, if i can go back time and take a different turn, will my life now turn out different? That is what i am thinking.... What will become of me now if i actually take that royal path?

Then there is still battling thoughts, Why am i defining my way of life base on the inputs of other people? We dont live in an isolated world, interaction between people cause us to define ourselves according to how people define us. So which is the correct one? Both are equally true, and is just a matter of own personal choice. I guess i know which is the path i will take. I am going to stay true to my own way of life.....

I was thinking, why must we always make that royal path as the goal. Till now, i am still skeptical about that. I remember in my JC life, there is still friend in my class that got almost the same thinking as me. We live our life according to our ideals, not bounded by other's people expectation and norms.

You tell me what is _____ .

A minimalist answer to redundancy.

Going into old chinese songs recently. The older songs are richer in term of emotion, and also incite a much stronger feeling in the listener. There is this song by 郑中基 which i particularly fancy. The lyrics and the splendour of the melody is simply to hard to resist.

绝口不提!爱你

闭上眼睛忍住呼吸
暂时要和世界脱离
就快要学会不再想你
却听见不断跳动的心
我允许了你让爱的自由还给你
我允许了自己承受这悲伤到天明
我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许
我答应自己爱你的心绝口不提
总是以为终究化作云淡风轻
爱你到底痛了自己
我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许
我答应自己爱你的心绝口不提
所有结局在这夜里都已成形
爱到了底痛的是我的真心

Watched quite a lot of shows these few days. Yesterday i watched "be kind rewind" and the documentary show "stonehenge decoded". Today watched "Wall-e". Ok... a bit tough to give a detailed synopsis and comment for each show, but i will give a rough one.

"Be kind rewind" is a different sort of comedy movie with a novel plot. There is this shop that rents old movie tapes to customers and the 2 main guy that happens to tend the shop accidentally erase all the contents in the tape. Now, they need to refilm every movie with the limited props and cast they have. A movie inside a movie- interesting. The whole movie is pretty entertaining with some brief emotional portion in it.


"Stonehenge decoded". A documentary show showing us the various theories for the purpose of building of stonehenge, and telling us the latest discovery and new theory proposed. Ok, i like all this kind of enigmatic stuff so i think is a quite a delightful watch.

Last. "wall e". It is one of the black horse. Surprisingly good is wad i will say. I thought it will be an equivalence to a mime and damned boring, but i was so so wrong! I can safely say that it is the best animation i have ever seen, and the credit largely goes to the marvelous plot! Well, beside the environmental message it is trying to convey(which is obvious), the kind of immaculate, untainted and pure relationship between the 2 robots is quite touching. I am going to get it when the DVD is out. Oh ya... please leave the science part of your brain aside while watching the show. This show is not entirely scientifically rational. LOL.

Yes, after "wall-e", while walking home, i saw one of my old friend- Choon kiat. Ok, is really quite an coincidence. Have a short talk. I know most of my friends are going overseas. I want a new environment, exposure and different air too. But some move that we make is unchangeable. Sadly, we cant undo the move we made. But, this is no longer the issue, i know how i can make up for that loss- doing something that i cannot achieve if i am overseas.

The night feels the same everywhere.

Release from camp at about 10.10pm which is really damned late! But since i going to ord, it doesn't really matter much to me.

Walking home under the night, it brings back a familiar feeling. A mixture of memories and emptiness. Once again, i know it is going to be an emotional night. Why the night just feel the same everywhere? Or is it i havent been to somewhere else different?

Primo

You no need the whole spectrum of colours to paint the world. You only need 3 colours - Red, Blue, Green. Simplicity beneath complexity.

Few days back, i was just looking up at the sky, wondering why am i not falling sick under such horrendously chaotic weather. Yes... and now i have a sore throat. Lesson learnt: Never think about falling sick!!!

Today is really one of the worst day, in the sense that my whole day schedule is lined up back to back. I got to rush here and there with my dysfunctional body. Need to wake up at 6am to settle some camp stuff, and after that, there are 2 tuitions. Given my sorethroat and fatigued body, i feel like cancelling the tuition, but their exams are coming and i cant afford to be so irresponsible at this time. And so, i pushed on.....

Cant help but admit that my teaching sucks today. Cant even articulate most technical terms correctly and my ailing throat is impeding me from completing most of my sentence ( especially those awfully long sentence....).

Just when i had lugged this weary body through half of the day, 1 special event renewed my spirit. That is, i got a present from my tutee for teacher's day. It is a box of chocolate which sounds like a very bad idea cos i cant even eat it. Nonetheless, this whole thing come as a surprise and this is the first time i receive my teacher's day present. The "first" always have the most significant impression on oneself ( Something like first kiss, first love).

It is always the good thing in life that keep us hopeful and continue to traverse across the land, while our future slowly unfolds itself. I am seeing a colourful world now...

Applause,

Failure- A word that only exists in lexicon.

Singapore had clinched a silver medal in table tennis woman - a news that has became teatime topics for many Singaporean. It is definitely something worth rejoicing over. First time after 48 years, who would have imagined that? But, while setting our eyes on the medal winners, we should also applaud those sportsmen that worked hard in their respective fields. Perhaps they are just fighting for themselves, but no doubt they are still carrying the hope and pride of all Singaporeans.
*claps... claps....*

Left with slightly more than 2 months to ORD. About time to think about how i am going to utilize the humongous amount of time i have. Let's hope i wont be too lost when the time comes. Well, but i rather be lost than to extend my service to the nation! lol! Is about time i redeem my freedom. hooray!

Yes.... thinking about whether success is an objective or subjective entity. Most people will say, success is a subjective object, because each person's interpretation of it varies. But reality is always so counter-intuitive, if it is subjective, then how come almost everybody description and expectation of it is so alike. It is as though there is a fixed framework for success. Is it just pure coincidences? I doubt so. My conclusion is, the society as a whole, favours a particular interpretation of success such that its member that follows this interpretation will thrive in it. The society is the one that make success being objective. Most of the time, we are just trying to meet expectation of parents, teachers, the society or the denizen of Earth. This phenomena is so putative, that the "ideal framework of success" is impregnated in our brain unconsciously. Think about what you truly want and pursue it! Dont be poisoned by the expectation of others and become a doctor, lawyer, officer and other widely recognized profession despite not liking it!

Last point.

Details in the fabric.

Compared to our long life span in this planet, i think every single event that is perceived around us is insignificant ( Something like 1 divide infinity). But sometimes, we can make use of our introspective faculty or "microscope" to magnify the event such that it becomes something impressionable. I going to talk about small small thing that happens over the past few days.

Booked out on tuesday afternoon and had off all the way till sunday. We are suppose to book out at 11am, but because of some planning screw up, we ended up booking out at 1am with growling stomach! Suppose to go out with my friend on tuesday night to catch a movie, but ended up cooping at home watching the anime recommended by my friend, "Kenichi". It may be old, but it is damned funny and to some extent, addictive as well. Completed the whole anime in 2 days... ( Actually is quite slow if compared to those hardcore Otaku!).

Then there are 3 trivial events that i wanna mention.

Went to had lunch at west mall on friday, then i saw this young girl, about 6 years old taking out her wallet and while fiddling with it, coins sprawled onto the floor. There are quite a few adults are her, and none of them rendered any help. I am quite a distance away, so i decided to pick up the coins that were further away from her. I smiled and returned her the money, she just thanks me and took the money. Her head was low and looked kinda scared, as if i am some kind of baddie, hmmm.... or maybe she is experiencing the aftershock of the sprawling coin. lol.... Either way i am quite proud of myself for not being like those apathetic adult doing nothing.

Secondo, went to " Xing wang hongkong restaurant" for dinner on friday night with vincent. The service there is marvellous. I am serious, the workers are excessively friendly and polite. It was perhaps the best service and hospitality that i ever receive, so i actually stop this manager that is walking around and give my feedbacks. LOL.... I cannot believe i do it. But at that moment, i feel there is really a need to praise good act.

Third, is something that happens today while going to my tutee's house. There is this car that happens to stop in the pedestrian crossing area when it is time for us to cross. The care tried to reverse slowly, and almost hit an auntie that is crossing the road. She used her newspaper, hit the car and raving about. I was listening to MP3, so cant make out wad she is yelling. To me, i will say she is over-reacting. All these are stupid acts that wun change anything or improve the situation.

What is happening?

The grotesque humans history never fails to give me the creep.

It was late at night, and my friend showed me this real tragedy that happens to a jap school girl years and years back. This girl was held captive by a group of boys that not only raped her, but tortured her beyond anyone can imagine. Eventually, they burnt the girl alive. End. A short few sentences, but it brings out the hellish perdition she is in. Not only this instance, there was the recent "monster dad" case, and many other inhumane act performed by all these cold-hearted, irrational ape!

I tend to react very strongly when i see such news. Imagining the scenario the victim is going through invoked a strong emotion whirl within. How can human actually perform such cruel act just to satisfy their own primitive instinct, at the expense of others life. That is pure insane!

A prayer..... ( Sometimes, the fragility and illusory feel of life force us to find a harbour to reside in.....)

Introspection.

what do you do when you are bored? This is what i do....


Balanced-brained
That means you are able to draw on the strengths of both the right and left hemispheres of your brain, depending upon a given situation.
When you need to explain a complicated process to someone, or plan a detailed vacation, the left hemisphere of your brain, which is responsible for your ability to solve problems logically, might kick in. But if you were critiquing an art opening or coming up with an original way to file papers, the right side of your brain, which is responsible for noticing subtle details in things, might take over.
While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker.
The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways.
Comment: That explains why i am always having dilemma and headaches. LOL!

Hardcover

Stop the presses -- you're a Hardcover!

Your score shows how much you value your privacy. Your emotions aren't out there in broad circulation -- you prefer to keep them hidden on the shelf. Clearly, there are many "chapters" of your life kept off-limits, even from close friends. This strategy can keep you from getting hurt by others, but there's a downside, too. With less intimacy, you might feel that your personal relationships are not very satisfying. It can be difficult for some people to open up to others, but perhaps you should choose a couple of chapters that aren't too personal and try sharing them with a close friend. Dust off that old volume and open it up -- you may find that your friend responds in a very positive way.
Comment: Dont entirely agree with the test result. Sounds like a phony test.

Your Identity Upper Middle

Great news! There's a strong chance that you're really who you think you are. Most people have fallen victim to the hazards of modern times. But you're one of the lucky few who has managed to keep a strong sense of identity. No matter where you go, there you are. Keep it up, because being you is an incredibly valuable skill.

Of course you may have a few residual doubts. There may be times when you wonder if the real you hasn't wandered off somewhere - to join the circus, or an Internet startup. That's normal. But based on your responses, you don't exhibit too many of the warning signs. You've kept the high-risk identity-loss activities to a minimum. You seem to have a firm grip on your priorities, and you know where you're heading.

Some suggestions for remaining yourself: keep a journal where you can write your more intimate thoughts. If you ever start losing your identity, you'll have persuasive legal proof of the transformation. Another idea: label your underwear. During an identity crisis, it's usually the first thing to go.
Comment: Interesting.... I thought i am a lost kid. It turns out that i am not lost or at least the test proves that i am not lost. LOL!

Hysteria.

Listening to "personal" by stars. The lyrics is idiosyncratically illuminating and i must thanks my friend for introducing me this song. This world is pretty much a nice place to be in.

I am trying to remove those dull, gloomy and apocalyptic title, and so, i put something different. I wonder what does this word got to do with my content today. Anyway, i am moving to PLC camp for 1 month, and because of this, one of my camp mate, vincent is staying with me at my house. His house is at the far east, and traveling can be very tedious. Good thing now is, i got one ready friend to go out with when i am bored. lol!

Finally things is getting better for my tuition. I feel that i am teaching better and better, and i develop my own way to help my tutee attain a good grade. Let's hope that it works. I feel that teaching is one good way to cultivate one's temperance and sense of responsibilities. Really enjoy the experience a lot. It feels great when all the hard work you put in yields result.

Recently got this sudden thoughts about the idea of permanence and absolute. Today wun delve into all this deep thesis. I shall stop here. Really too tired.....

Oscillate. Vacillate. Sway.

History is a mistake from the start. Present is transient. Future is bleak and uncertain. - By existentialist flaneur Hong Qi.

Got my second assignment today. Teaching this J1 girl physics. Not very prepared for the whole lesson, because i prepared for Dynamics and she wanted me to go through oscillation. Well, i still remember most of the stuff, but cant teach well.I really feel quite bad over this, but to compensate i extend the whole lesson by 1 hour without charging more. Her grade is quite bad, and as a tutor i want to do my best to help. Good thing is, after that long session she understands interference and diffraction grating. As for my another maths tutee, i think she is doing good.

After accepting the second assignment, my whole saturday is filled. Worst, one is at khatib, the other at clementi. I got to rush from one place to the next and skip my lunch. The only reward i get is a fulfilling day, which i think far surpasses any other rewards like paycheck or what.

I was chatting with my frenx over some issue. I believe the world lack people with revolutionary and bold thoughts, ideas, behaviors etc. Over the course of my life, i am not a deviant, but am of cause not a conformist. I know this very well. I have my own sets of ethos, which is very different from other people. Because of this, i tends to rebut people's "thesis" with my "antithesis". Well, what i wanna say may not be what others want to hear. So, i slowly learn to keep mum - "Keep the comment to yourself". The fact that i am not reverting to my old form not only got to do with my "weak knee", but concerning other issue as well. From some angle, the world is quite complicated.

A rather happy man...... I guess.

What i do.

The necessary and sufficient condition for a relationship is love. Compatibility and physical beauty is irrelevant, and so is other trivialities. - By existentialist flaneur, Hong Qi.

I was thinking why my blog doesn't mention much about my daily life or in-camp life. I dun mention about camp life just in case i touch on some security issue and unknowingly get send into DB. So i dun wan to risk it. To me, my everyday life is quite fun, i will learn new things, but if i pen it down in blog, it will kind of dull my daily event. That is why i dun really say much about what i do. And yes, the most important reason is, i like to mystify my thoughts and myself. I dun wan to be too predictable. The world need more black swan- The element of unpredictability.

Anyway, i will try to talk about what i have been doing. What can a guy that has fallen out of love do in his daily routine. LOL! I can tell u.. is a lot. I start to fall in love with music. I dont to just hear it, i want the music to emerge from my both hands. Lucky i got a pianist sister that can guide me along. Then next i will be picking up guitar soon. Try something different. If people are thinking that i am still that science freak that is pouring over quantum physics and relativity now and then, then you are wrong. I still love physics a lot, but i started to diversify. I have not touched any science reference book for months. I want to dwell in the music realm for a bit longer before i go back to physics when i am in university.

The reason i gave for giving up piano at early age is because i not talented. I am lying.... is because i am lazy. I dun practise at all, come back just dump my book aside and play. In short 3 months, i achieve much more than the 3 years piano lesson when i was young. Talent cannot be the thrust for doing something, only passion can.

Renaissance.

Listening to "kiss the rain"- A melodic, pensive piece of piano song..... When can i play it for myself?

Went out with my JC classmate this afternoon. Never see them for almost 1 year. There were a lot to chat and it was quite fun... They were still the same - speech, posture and even the things you see in their eyes. For me, i know i am not the same. In my eyes, i can feel weariness and countless toll.

I used to link coincidences or even every incidents with fate. But now, i am no longer fatalistic, i must acknowledge that everything that happens happens from my hand. I am the cause, and i must accept the consequences and whatever that follows. I shan't says is god's will or is the working of fate. I must accept the responsibilities no matter how heavy it is....

With immense responsibilities, it is either you die trying or you simply got to grow stronger. The path is never meant to be easy, just like God love to test and set trials for mankind( FYI, I am agnostic). Some people yearn for freedom and no responsibilities. But, they do not know that to be free from responsibilities, you must first be laden with responsibilities. The same goes to freedom. It is just like people will learn to treasure only after they have lost something.

How much can we really rely on our eyes? The vision is great, it is colourful, animate and sometimes arousing. Despite all these great stuff our eyes bestow us, they tend to misguide us as well. What i can see is only the gorgeous look, curvy body, long enchanting eyelashes but i can't see her heartbeat. Perhaps, i am too accustomed to using my eyes that i have forgotten how to close my eyes.

I have been consistently walking with my eyes open with her. Now is time to take a break. Stop walking and close my eyes. Use my ear and listen...... What am i listening for? I do not know. Maybe is someone at one corner of this globe whose heart resonate with my heart, or maybe is just the wind, the light, the friends around me, my parents.... I really don't know. All i know is right now, i am listening to music - Kiss the rain....

I may have lost a very important person of my life, but i learn a lot of things. I know i become bolder and stronger.... If i can survive a direct knife thrusting into my heart, what more shall i fear. I love closing my eyes and listening now.... It reveals another facet of the world and people around me. Over this 5 months i have been sharing and talking, and at the same time, i had absorbed a lot of stuffs.... I had answers to many of my questions.

This entry will conclude this part of my life. I shan't not mention anything related to her anymore.

I am losing the glow in my eyes. Can i get it back? How can i get it back?
More white hairs on my head. Is it i am too tired?

新不了情

I love this song. Best song to augment the sadness feeling within you.

I am so tired...
Feel like a lost child in the sea of forest.
Hungry, lethargic and devoid of hope.
Vultures are circling on top of me.

16, maybe less

This is the name of the song that i listen last night. A nice, soothing music by iron and wine.

Book out yesterday night because of the surprise "off" that our CO gave us. Watched hellboy2 and linger around tampines area with my friend before returning home.

Just thought of an unpleasant encounter with techno music, and just to mention, i hate it! One fine afternoon, after awoken from my nice, warm afternoon nap, i was sent on errand to do some stuff. My head was heavy, and there is vague distinction between reality and dreamworld. The errand requires me to linger around the bunk area, then i heard this deafening, annoying music from one of the bunk. No doubt, it is techno music. I felt like my head was exploding, but i can't leave that damned area. Sometimes i just dont understand how people can indulge in this kind of music. Classic example of trashy music!

"In times of trouble, difficulty and depression, pictures tend to bring back old memories- the past fun-filled days where life was simple and easy. When can I let the history be history? When will I then learn to look on"

My friend was being emo here. But is a food for thought. A greek philosopher once said,"An unexamined life is not worth living." Some may say why are we making life tough for ourselves by spending time contemplating such unproductive question. But, it is precisely that life is tough and is fraught with so much uncertainty and shit, that these questions just plummet on us.

Finally, i forgot to mention about the dreadful 3 weeks confinement. It is definitely long, and is like a slow death or quicksand. But amid all the time dilation, i still enjoyed it. Finish reading my sophie's world and the alchemist in 3 weeks. Sophie's world is a fantastic read- philosophy in story. The alchemist is more towards spirituality. I find it quite boring, maybe because i am quite cynical....

Ok.. signing off. Bye!

The proof always comes too late.

Saw something that should not be seen.
It ended all the speculations and hopes i carry.
There is a whole litany of emotions within.
Lamenting, Screaming, Crying,
How i wish i could do all this.
But i am just too numbed.
The grief had isolated my soul.

So much for my academic excellence.
I am just a fool after all.
A disdained fool.

Sigh.... checkmate.
I lost.........

Ridiculous

This is a crappy weekend. Something happened amid the weekend, and ended as soon as it started. It felt like an ephemeral nightmare! I know the description is super vague, but such thing just cannot be posted on blog or else my ORD date will be extended. lol.

When it started, it was damned chaotic. Run and rush, profanities flying around, people with that contorted pissed off face. But when it ended, there were laughter, relief and finally silence. We were just too tired..... and so we slept.

Let's pray that such thing wont befall on us again! lol.

Today i went to lot 1, and while doing some random shopping, there is this "eeyore" that just fell beside me. The amazing thing is, nobody is around that area, and it just dropped. It means 2 things actually. Either it is telling me, "Hey... face it. It has fallen. Dont care and walk off" or "Please kindly pick it up". This is really a choice, because you can only choose strictly either one, you cant like get the best out of both choice or what.

Making a choice does not always only involve the reason which is the more rational and "controllable" part. More often than not, it involves emotion, which is capricious and hard to fathom.

Choice-making is an exhausting and brain-ravaging process and so i dump it at the back of my brain.

I dont know, i dont care, and i dont want to know!

But again, if a choice is not made, the 2 options will keep floating up whenever similar scenario happens. I guess this is like a marathon. I am running away from the 2 options, while they are chasing after me. There may be some occasional steroid injection to them, like today, but still, i managed to get them off my back.

Beyond me

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing

1 second.

Finally manage to get the song recommended by my friend. It is called 兵变 by 康康. The lyrics is here.

月台目送我离开
好心疼不能陪在你身旁
怕你会孤单
是否你也想着我好遥远
几个星期不见你
你就爱上别人说好等我回来
为何如今要分开你的兵变我好难挨
难道你已忘了我看着流星坠落
好难过
劝我自己要振作
日子还是要过那天晚上收到你的分手信
我躲在棉被里偷哭
但是我并不怪你
因为我知道让我变成男人的不是当兵
而是你离开我了

You may have heard of it long ago, or never heard of it before because it is quite old, but this song got this saccharine sadness. Across history and across the land, i guess there are countless people that have the same plight as me and some of them choose to manifest their experience into a song. Conscription sucks bad enough, and break up during the period makes thing sucks even more!

This song is for those heart-broken soul in National Service.

It just rankles!

A lot of things had happened in camp, some does concerns me, but the bulk of it is related to my friend. I won't ask "why is it so unfair?", because there would be irrelevant and rhetorical. Unfairness is a quality that arrives together with man since the birth of mankind. A better question will be, "why it happens to him?" Anyway, i hope he can really get out of this exasperating situation unscathed.

Turning to a more lighten tone, i had my first tuition assignment today. The subject is H2 maths, and she is from JC2. Hmmm.... this is the first time i took teaching seriously, and it is way worst than i expected it to be. First, she is a stranger and for the first 15 minutes my ear just turned red and can't converse properly, but everything loosen up after that. Second, whatever i say doesn't seem to get her, she is just 1 meter away, but it feels like she is a valley away! Then i think about it, sometimes the concept itself it just to esoteric, so as long as she can apply the concept, it doesn't matter what kind of quirky analogies i use. The saying "when the going gets tough, turn back and look for a detour!" Third, i don't feel easy with people calling me Mr Tan. GOD!!! Not even 20, and student is just 2 years younger. It just sounds weird. I told them to address me as "Hong Qi".

It is really not a simple job. Because i took this job out of my own accord, the commitment must be there and i seriously hope they can score well. Sometimes i think result doesn't matter much. But with no good result, u dun have much choice, and this restrict your freedom and eventually your happiness. True? Actually i still think this is bullshit. Restriction are imposed by ourselves, not society. lol. Interesting topic worth pondering.

Ok... logging off. Adios

Caprice

It all started with a chair

Watched "Juno" last night and this is the first phrase it used during the start of the movie. It is definitely deserving of the 4 academy nomination. There is this outre sense of humour and at the towards the end it turns out to be quite an visceral, emotional movie. Sometimes, a movie with atypical plot, atypical conversation and atypical ending is really refreshing, and i feel this movie has achieved all these.

Sometimes i am really quite hesitant to watch NC16 or M18 movie using the super big screen TV in my hall. I mean, my parent got this fixated mental construct that we are always underaged and will tend to overreact when there is brief nudity or when words like, "orgasm, dick, F**k" are used. Not to mention the universal symbol: Middle finger! Yea... when we grow up, we just get inured to all these stuff, and is no big fuss really.

Last week got this saccharine talk with my NS friends. Just some random people meeting at some random place at a random time. All of them were like older than me ( some even 4 years older), but the conversation went quite well. There is no issue that i don't understand. When they were talking about break-up, and the despair that comes alone, it is fully understandable and not an esoteric topic anymore. One of them, a chinese borned in America, was talking about the chasm between the cultures and said that Singapore girls are less friendly and more unfathomable. I would say that he over-generalise, because most girl i met is quite wildly friendly! As for unfathomable, i think it is due to culture schism.

My sis was saying my blog looks kind of dull. No tagboard, no counter, no embellishment! Well, There is this thing called the Occam's razor, and it says: entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity. Those stuffs are just irrelevant... All i need is a blog that can manifest what i wanna say. That is enough..

Ok... getting ready for my 2 days week!

Lost. Me.

Moonlight Sonata


Have not blogged for about 2 weeks. There are times whereby blues or dismal just set in and we just simply don't feel like doing anything and that includes blogging. This explains the zero activity in blogging recently.

Applied 3 days off from monday to wednesday. Completely no idea why i do that. Maybe is because last week is a 7 days long week in camp, coupled with the hectic schedule and endless workloads, i am so drained. Ya... so i just took off and worst, i did not have plans for the 3 days ahead of me. The realisation comes after i sat in front of the computer racking my brain over what to do. Well, i guess days still pass despite not doing any thing fruitful. Tomorrow i am booking in again.

It will sounds kind of weird to hear adult saying they are lost, because in this modern world, we have cellphones, GPS and other gadgets to help us know where we are and to source for help. So, getting lost is really not an issue now. But, being lost can mean 2 things, first is getting lost in this physical, tangible world, and second is getting lost in your life. What if your goal becomes a lost cause?! What if your belief can't survive in this world? What will then become of a positive, goal oriented, renaissance man? I guess he will just crumple....

What about toddlers or infants? They may literally get lost, but definitely not getting lost in life. Well, they tend to be more simple minded, less complicated, less analytical. Sometimes, not knowing you are lost actually means you are not lost.

Ok... logging off. Bye!

Platonic Love

summer days, winter nights,after a hundred years, to that abode shall i return

Was actually intending to start saving money and cut down my expenses on books and discs but the 20% off in kino yesterday was just too irresistible! So end up getting quite a few books.

I started with this book called, "Socrates in love", by a japanese author, and of course translated into english. The moment i set eyes on the very first line of the book, i am entirely absorbed into it. The marvelous plot sustain my interest throughout, and successfully prevent me from letting go of the book. I finished it in about 3 hours last night. It is all in all, a love story between these 2 japanese high school students. They started off with an infatuation, that rapidly escalates into a true love, but then, fate is such a cruel overlord, it actually bestows the girl with "leukemia"(Cliche, yes..). Then, bla, bla, bla. Maybe this is a typical story plot, but there are a few things that make it really stands out. It is not a narration by some third party, it is actually written from the view of the male protagonist ( and yes... i am a guy, so i can sort of relate to the story better). In tantem to this, this book is full of emotional description and insights about "love". Please, if possible, try to give this book a chance to touch your heart.

Oh yes... my title, "platonic love". This is a word used in the book, and when i first saw it, i was like, "plato and love? What is the connection?", so i checked the dictionary, and i really like the definition of it. I am not going to say out the meaning here though, because meaning of word like this should be explored and sought, not just befallen from sky.


Maybe i will end this entry with a phrase. This is the gist of the long phrase used in the book(Told by the grandpa to the male protagonist): When the person we love departs and leaves us, we feel sad and grieve over it, but it is not the absence or leaving itself that is sad. It is actually because you love them that is why you are sad. Then isn't mourning and grieving another facet of love, just one expression of the feeling you have for the person.

Actually there are so many quotes and conversation i wanna blog, but i will end up spoiling everything. Really, if can, read it for the discerning plot.

Adios!

So far away.

Book out finally!! Work from 10am to 9pm. Book out at 10.30pm from Selarang camp. Enough information to let you infer how tired i am, but as usual, 1 min in the civilian world is worth more than 1 min in camp, so i cant let it go to waste by sleeping early~~

There is this recent big news about the Sichuan quake. The earthquake is like 7.9 on a richter scale and the death toll goes up to beyond 10000. Other than on this numeric, i don't know how i can show how bad this quake is. Ok, maybe pictures of the disasters site will show clearer how impactful it is. When i first saw this news, i frowned and the first thought that came to me is, "Why does this got to happen?", and 10000 death is more than just a statistics. It encompasses gallons of tears, gallons of blood, and millions of heartbreak. As i read on, and continuing looking at those photographs, i just keep on shaking my head. It is simply insane! Is really like a massacre! Ok, maybe is just me that is really averse to those sorrowful scene or wad.

It is event like this that sometimes make me doubt the credibility and existence of religion. If such a horrendous event can happen, then where is the omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, benevolent god we are talking about? If people are using karma, past life or afterlife explanation to justify their death, i just cannot accept it. It is really pain and sorrow on the part of those victims and considering the casualty, even people from so far away should be able to feel it as well.

Perhaps, religion is just not complete, but neither is atheism as well. No matter which stance we subscibed to, we wont get the full picture. That is why i am agnostic, well.. maybe with a little faith here and there.

To end this post, my condolence to the victims and kins in the "Sichuan quake" and please pray for them and donate money.

How random can random be??

Sadness is a composite emotion consist mainly of "pain".
A carouse in sadness proves your existence.
Otherwise, you are no difference from a stoic zombie.


When hope is gone, love is lost,
Man plunges right into an abyss,
Shrouded by darkness and nothingness.
He wishes for a quick descent to the ground to end everything,
but, the "end" never comes.
The time seems to freeze, and he is entrapped in this cryogen.
Soon, every bit of optimism and emotion dissipated.
Coldness and cynicism take over him.


Right beneath, there is this hope that he can be proven wrong, and let light illuminate up the darkness around him, set time into motion again!

P.S : Random post....

In retrospect.....

Nothing is worth believing in, and nothing is firm enough for us to believe in it- by me!

Was watching I guess before started typing this entry. The "I guess" theme for tonight is based on secondary school girls, and the conversations that took place really invoked quite a fair bit of memories. Seeing the poems those teenage girls wrote and their infantile actions, really add a great deal of laughter to my night, but again, who never been through secondary school life. I guess most of us did quite a lot of juvenile stuffs back then, and i believe i am one of those hopelessly childish person! LOL!

The epic joke of my life is actually going around declaring love for girls from secondary 1 to 3. I can easily come up with 10 girls' name whom i declare to before. Looking back, i guess i am top in one of their "Must shun away" list, and because of the way i behave, coupled with the extra frivolousness, i never really succeed. Well, i never really blame them, because i think i am just playing around as well. But seriously, this is one of the most interesting and memorable period of my life, and as crazy or comical as it sounds, it really is a memory that i really treasured.

At least 4 years have passed, but i feel the change i have gone through is quite tremendous. I got this "appraisal" from my fren in camp. He says i am quite a deep person, how i behave is just the very surface of me, there is a hidden and intricate inner episode.

Justification: In the day, i will jus crap around play around. At night, i got this stern look as if i am deep in thoughts, and he can't guess what i am thinking.

LOL!!!! That is one of the most interesting comment i ever heard actually. But i can assure all of you i am not some anti-anthropic freak that is plotting for a cataclysm or what. But long periods of introspection and reading really bring a whole new facet to this world. Learning to look at things from a third person perspective, learning to assess situation with greater insights and so on. One good example, there is this book i saw called "How to be a complete failure?", and my friends will just say who will want to buy this kind of book. Well, in this society where success and failure has a very distorted, ill-defined meaning, i think we should not reject this book instantly. Yes... and i did buy that book by the way. LOL!

Ok... off to bed. Goodbye!

I got something to say!

Got quite drunk last night and i wont go into the details. Ok, i dun feel guilty for been drunk or what, just that i think it is an interesting experience. Imagine your mind know perfectly well to do, but your body dont conform, lol. Interesting indeed. Slept from 9pm to today's morning 7am.

Wake up, read some books then surf blogs. Ok, i am not trying to be offensive here, but recently there is this exam craze all over Singapore i guess, and what shocked me most is their post-exam comments and feelings. For instance, "Feel like dying", "haiz" and "must mug harder". I don't see why exams should have such a great manipulative effect over our emotion or life. Of course, the most plausible retort is that it concerns our future, but still, all this negative emotion or worries are just very redundant. They serve no purpose at all. If all these emotions are your arsenal to motivate you to work harder, i can tell you, passion and joy will provide a greater thrust for excellence.

Next, we had transit from primary school to secondary to JC/poly then for some, to university. In the initial phase, if we are feeling this way, it is still understandable, because we are younger, and whatever the adult teaches us, it simply becomes our ethics. But, as we grow older, we start to think and take lead of our life, we should not still make the same mistake as when we are young. Some people just never change, and i don't know how you can handle the greater challenge in life. Worst, when you have children, are you going to bequeath all these "ethics" to your children. If yes, congrats, you have just become an initiator for the chain reaction!

Void

Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him

Back to the work 1 week, book out 2 days system. I seem to integrate back into this system pretty well, no whining, no grumbling. Maybe is because i have been through a really horrendous and agonizing period, that this trivial stuff just seem so insignificant when compared to it.

Ok, just booked out, really tired and drained. My mum cooked dinner for me, and i still think home cooked food is the best! Healthy and yummy! Waiting for the clock to strike 1am before i start watching the movie, "pursuit of happiness".

Anyway, one good book to recommend. Title : The last lecture, by Randy Pausch. This is about an educator in university that realise that he had a few months more to live due to 10 tumours in his liver. He had a wife and 3 children, and small portion of the book talks about their relationship after the breaking of the depressing news. The main bulk of the book is sort of like a legacy or odyssey he left behind for his children, and it talks about his life from when he was young to being an educator. Maybe we share the same aspiration that is why i like this book a lot, but, after forcing myself to take a more objective view, it is still very good!

To end this post, i am wondering: Sometimes we talk about freedom, But what is freedom if we don't know what to do with it or maybe exercise it in the "right" way?

Solitude

Children love to be alone because alone is where they know themselves, and where they dream.

I am not advocating for the whole world to be alone or wad, but just that if it happens that one day, you are stripped of all close friends and girlfriend, get very detached from your family and world, wearing a facade in front of everybody, or feel that you are lost in this vast world, you still gonna accept it and live with it. Reminiscing and comparing the difference in the life now and then does evoke some visceral feeling. But, it take courage to realise that you are now alone, and how to learn to handle it. Enjoy the tranquility and know yourself and the surrounding. It is the best time for doing that. Provided we dont have any personality disorder or severe mental illness, Loneliness is really a matter of throwing a dice. If you get one, then you just simply sucks in dice-throwing. Then the thing is not to stop throwing, but to keep on throwing and improvise on ur throwing method, so that you can get a six. Well, if law of probability didn't fails me, as long as 6 is printed on one side of the dice, it will eventually shows up.

Ok, this is dedicated to all lonely souls around the world.

Penitence

Only two things are infinite: The universe and human's stupidity

Something happen today which really warm my heart. Last year, because i was going out with my ex, then stood up an appointment with my friend( is 2 to be exact). At that time i was in bad mood as well, and since they don't understand my situation, i break off relation or sever ties with them. They are my best friends in JC time, and because of that, we never contact for 1 year. I know i am wrong, but at that time, love just mean everything to me. My pillar, my faith, my hope, my future.

Then suddenly, one of this guy, talk to me today and ask me how am i (He probably heard what happened to me). That is genuine concern, i knew it. I am really sorry for treating them that way last time. My deepest apology.

Then today there is still friend that open a conversation in a funny manner in msn.

he: i am a complete stranger, may i pick u up?
me: you are a complete stranger, can i reject u?
he: nope, cause u r hurt
me: but i din ask for ur help
he: i know... cause u fell from heaven
me: no... i am just reborn, a brand new self
he: ic, no wonder ur hair is so straight, i mean ur pubic hair
me: i am sure u r seeing the wrong person. perhaps u r drunk tt day, and mistook some stranger along loyang there as me

Ok... people begin the quest of seeking when they are affronted with questions like, "What if i am only left with 1 hour, what will i do?". Some can just cast it at the back of their mind, but for some, they know they need an answer. The journey is tough, depressing and sometimes vexing. But, at the end of it, if people manage to get an answer without resorting to suicide, they would have understand the world, understand themselves better. It is a quest of wisdom.

The success equation

S: Degree of success
P: innate potential
H: Hardwork
L: Luck

S= G + ( a-e^(b-H) ) + L/H

There is a point whereby no mater how much more hardwork u put in, there will be no change in success and will only depend on G.

Forbidden kingdom.

Apparent from the title of this entry that i have watched this movie. Overall is a good and highly recommended movie. I've gave a lot of credits for Jackie chan and Jet li seamless cooperation and their effort. They are not that young anymore and yet still can impress us with their actions and fightings. This is something really applaudable. But, i cannot stand the english language when the whole plot is based on chinese fictions. It just doesn't sound right.

Lost Cause

Last night, while i was doing my model kit, my dad came in and said, "You should not be doing this. There is this professor in yesterday's news who made models of physical process and patent it, then those school that want to use it as an education tool will got to pay him money. You should be doing this kind of thing, instead of following the manual."

Ok.... First, there is an aesthetic part to making model, which helps to develop the artistic part of the brain which is very undeveloped in most people especially in this "Age of reason". It is not that unconstructive after all. Second, why must everything we do revolve around making money and making a mark for ourselves. Can't we just do it because of passion and hobby? Or is it that the value of passion has depreciated such that it is worthless in the face of fame and wealth? Thirdly, i am only involve in theoretical research and problem solving, so it will really be against my wish to those stuff. How can i possibly create a model for question like, "What is evil?". Should i construct a model of Eden garden to demonstrate the idea of "First sin"?

Perhaps theoretical physics and philosophy are academics that have been phased out in this world and have no practical value. The next question is, should i then abandon my interest and look for a more highly "valued" cause?

A sojourn

Thought i am going to enjoy this long break till this coming sunday, but a call from my superior ruin it. Need to book in tonight to attend a meeting tomorrow. Sob.....

Finished about 4 books over a period of 2 weeks so went to kino today to get more books. Well, nothing much happen, just that i saw this old man whom i had seen 2 weeks ago, back in the same place again. Then, i went over to Bras Basah complex to get some piano books for self-improvement.

In this contemporary world, there is this delusion provided by those motivational quotes around. For example, stuff like "It is never too late to start", "success is 99% hardwork" and so on. It is just some gimmicks so that people will continue to slog towards an end that never comes and of course, those elites and aristocrats will stand to gain from all these. On the contrary, i will prefer quote like, "If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.", because they are not that delusional and introduce you directly to the harsh reality. For those motivational quotes, they are like "sweetener" that allows you to indulge in this fabricated utopia, and most often than not, it only brings disappointment.

Ok... time to go off. Adios!

Definitely, maybe!

Better to never have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

Watched the movie, "Definitely, maybe" today in CCK cinema. After reading various reviews, i had high expectation of this movie, and of course, it didn't let me down. The plot is just too good and left me in awe after the whole movie ended. It is a romance, a comedy, a mystery and of course a thriller. Actually i want to write a short summary of the movie, but the plot is kind of complicated, and hard to phrase it all out in just a few sentence, lest i miss out the essence of the story.

Ok, let me emo a bit here.

There are times when I cant decide whether to see you or not, I want to see you because I miss you but there are times when I dont want to see you because everytime I do, the fact that you dont see me the way that I see you hurts me even more ...

My heart was taken by you, broken by you and now is in pieces because of you.

OK, having duty on saturday and sunday. sob.... bye!

Dilemma

Am i hearing my voice or god's when conscience bothers me?

Most of the time, it is really not obvious what is the right things to do. When that happens, i will use the "Just do it" principle. Now after making my move, i am contemplating over the choice i have made. There is a strong feeling i have made a mistake in my move, and right now, it is impossible to undo the mistake. The problem now is, how to make the next move so that i can negate the effect of my previous move.

Argh.... this is the most puzzling issue right now! I don't see any light shining on me. Sob....

3 Kingdoms

Watched the movie 3 kingdom today. There are quite a lot of bad points:

1) Distorted historical facts!! ( I am quite obsessed with 3Kingdoms since young. I know the story since primary 1 or 2)
2) Wrong costumes
3) Guan Yu doesnt has the respectable aura.
4) Cao Ying is a fudged character!! ( Cao Ying is Maggie Q which is suppose to be the descendent of Cao Cao)
5) Weapon design is very bad! (Especially Guan Yu one)
6) The portrayal of Zhuge Kong Ming is bad also.

One good point which surpasses all the bad points: As distorted it may be, the casts are good, and i like the way Zhao Yun is been portrayed in this movie!

Well, talking about romance of the 3 kingdoms, i can say it is my favourite chinese classics together with "water margin". There are simply too much too learn in all these stories... Highly recommended... There is this saying, 少不读水浒， 老不读三国. This is because Water Margin emphasizes on Rebellion and 3 kingdoms talk about betrayal, ploy etc. Well, but as long as you know how to extract the right values and meanings and use it appropriately, i think it is fine to read it at any age.

Ok... to sum up.... Watch this movie!!

Love Vs Sanity

Let S: Sanity Level
L: Level of love input
t : Time

dS/dt = -kL , k=constant

Let L = a - 1/(t+b) ,
Reason for equation of L: Level of love input must increase at a decreasing rate, and i believe there is an upper bound for it(asymptote).

Substitute and solving,

S = k(-at + ln(t+b) ) +c
Shape of graph: An inverted U shape with a max point at 1/a-b. c is a constant chosen to ensure S>0 for t>0.

Initial love input at t=0 : a- 1/b
max point of S vs t : t=1/a - b ( sanity breakdown point!)

When a is high, Initial love input is high, the t when max point of S occurs is probably at negative region. Which means.... ur sanity just simply keeps dropping, AKA Complete obsession.

When b is high instead, initial love input fairly low, unfortunately the max point of S still in negative region, so there is no difference from previous case. This is Eventual complete obsession!

Conclusion: You will lose your sanity eventually in the game of love! That is why Love leech every bit of sanity out of you!

This is what i thought of when i was travelling in train. LOL! Did all the maths and deduction in my mind. Just purely for fun.... Hope no one offended.

Distance does matters

Stars. An extra terrestrial object that looks beautiful only from afar. From the Earth, it is just like embellishing the cold dark sky with diamond to form an idyllic picture. But, if we are close enough to it, it just looks like a fiery-looking mass with the capability to produce a supernova explosion or become an eventual black hole. Scary.... The difference in what we see depends on how close we try to observe it. A concept that is applicable in our life.

I thought of this when i was looking up the sky in my camp. Well, though i am not able to see the milky way from Singapore, but the minute numbers of stars still attracted my attention. Then while looking up the sky, questions just pop up in my mind.

Has been playing Cabal lately. It is the newest MMORPG game recommended by my friend. The way i and my friend play this game kind of defeat the purpose of MMORPG. We just play alone, don't chat with people, no party etc. I guess we just wanna kill time.

Untitled

Had a great talk with one of my best friend around. It was a very discerning and fulfilling chat. We were initially crapping away until i pop up this question.

" Thinkers, be it those from different countries or those living in different time, are always the most troubled soul around. Why then do people yearn for wisdom and intelligence? Isn't ignorance better?"

This is his reply.

"Thinker sees what other people cannot see, that is why they think a lot. In life, intervention (be it physical or mere observation and thoughts) will result in change. But, most thing in life are trivial things, so intervention will only produce a small, insignificant overall effect. If that is the case, we should not interfere by thinking about it excessively in the first place. Selective ignorance requires wisdom as well."

I try to phrase it in a better way (By adding the appropriate premises and show the causality clearer), but the gist of what he said is still contained within.

Anyway, i am quite amazed i still having forget about my A Level Organic chemistry. Few days ago, when i was in camp, there was this fren of mine, that asked me some questions. Cannot believe i still can explain nucleophilic substituion and electrophilic addition blah blah to him. Organic chem is the worst subject that i hope i will never touch it again. My perennial favourite topics in chemistry is still atomic chemistry and quantum chemistry! Yeap.... more interesting and less memory- intensive.

Adios!

Let's talk!

A: Wow...See this.. The "Men's Health" classify all the women into 6 classes. Take a look!!

(After seeing....)

B: Full of shit!! To me there are only 4 types. 30% are those career-minded, egotistic feminist waiting to trample over the guys that have suppressed them for centuries. These are one of the hardest to tame, give guys the most troubles and responsible for 99% of guys suicide. The other 30% are the wild kind of girl, with multiple hair colours, multiple ear-ring and of course are regular clubbers. Any guy in the right frame of mind wont got for this kind of girl. For another 30%, These girls apparently got a penchant for the same sex. Yeap... so a pity. The ideal kind of girls lie in the 10%.

C: I agree there are very little good kind of girls, but, it is for that 10% that is why we keep falling in love isn't it??

B: I wouldn't be very sure about how u think. You see... so apparently out of 10 girls, u need to heart-break 6 times and feel inferior for another 3 times in order to get the 1 girl. As far as i am concern, most guy wont survive through the fifth heart-break. Ya... They will be dead by then.

C: Hmmm.... you quite pessimistic about love huh. I think is one of the best thing.....

B: That is because you are still attached dude! Seeing the horrendous stuffs the girl do to their boyfriend is really disappointing. One classic example, running away with another guy, and leaving you to rot and die.

C: hahaha... Ok la. Should not happen to me.. I quite sure.

Me(Very tired!!): Not i want to curse you, but girls will change. 3 things you can do. First is try to be as independent as possible, so that you will not get the shock when break up. Second, is to ravage your brain to do as much romantic things for her as possible. Not fool-proof though. Last, 先下手为强! Break up first!

C: erps... i believe in her.

Me: Fine... go ahead... i very tired. I go sleep.

(Still got some conversation between B and C.... But i sleeping)

Delete it.

Since the last month, i had being ravaging my memories to write a story using MS words about us. Till now, i had written about 15 chapters. As i proceed on, i find it hard to continue.... The pain is too unbearable. I had no choice but to delete everything.

Adios.

Red Bull.

Has been surviving on "Red Bull" for the past few days especially during duty. Must say that it works wonder. It kills your lethargy and keeps u awake "ad infinitum". Yesterday, i book out in the morning after duty, then catch the movie "The bucket list" at Cine, and finally went to Chee's house at night to get some songs. When i reach home was about 12.20 am, and was really tired, but i dont wanna sleep that early, so get myself a red bull. yea.... That kept me awake until 4.15am for me to listen to some songs and read some books.

Anyway, 2 new movies which is a must see. "The bucket list" and "Be kind rewind". "The bucket list" is about 2 man, down with terminal diseases and have only about less than 1 year to live. So, they decide to prepare a list of stuffs to do before they kick the bucket. I think it is a damned nice show, but my fren finds it boring and slept for a short while in the theatre. God.... I just gaped at him, speechless. Will be catching "Be kind rewind" next week i think.

After so much things have happened, i really feel like going overseas to study. Just wanna take a look at the outside world and expose to an entirely new culture. I want to learn more things. But it is too late... ... ...

When i in NS, people just keep asking why do i go PJC and why i never apply for overseas university. Initially my reply is there are something more important on this piece of land, and i wanna keep this important thing in sight while at the same time pursue my passion in physics. Now, i will say, i start off with a wrong footage, and now i am facing the ramification. Of course, i believe we are a result of our own choice. I just gonna swallow whatever shit that has fallen on me. It is no one's fault but mine. In chaos theory, this is called sensitive dependence on initial condition. The only thing i can do now is to make those shit taste like... maybe chocolate? Well... till now the shit still taste like shit.

Slowly but surely, things will change for the better. I believe (blind faith!).

Music as my way of life.

Music can be considered to be one of the greatest invention my man. When u feeling down and listening to let's say, "My immortal", it's as though the song personify itself and keeps u company. Similarly, when you just get in love and listen to "恋爱-ing", it seems like the song is felicitating you. I may not be able to sing well, but i am glad that i can appreciate songs with my pair of ears. When going out, books and MP3 is like one of the basic requirement for me. In a sense it feels like i have 2 companions with me even if i am alone.

Anyway, yesterday i went to get some books for leisure reading. Then after some careful selection, i found this quite entertaining and "one of a kind" book. It is called "The freedom manifesto" by ToM Hodgkinson. Below are some interesting sentences extracted from his book.

1. 'people are dying of boredom,' and i believe this quite literally to be true. It would not surprise me one jot if boredom were one day revealed to be carcinogenic.

2. And veyr depressing it is that woman, too, have fallen for the career myth. 'My career is really important to me,' say the solipsistic new career ladies. How on earth bossing around a little coterie of idiots at Asda can be more important than playing with your kids, hanging out with your friends and family or doing creative things at home is completely beyond me.

3. You start out doing work experience, you graduate to being bossed around by idiots, you become idiotic and, then, if all works out well, you end up being the idiot who bosses people around.

Some interesting extractions to me. This book offers an entirely different perspective with respect to the social norms. So if you are having some free time, get this book and let it intrigues you!

Again?!

I have not being confined for longer than 1 week ever since the initial part of BMT, but now, i going to get confined again! Not only that, this time could span up to 5 freaking long weeks! When i knew this news last week, my thought was like, "OMG, OMG, OMG, OMFG, OMFG, OMFG!!!!"

In overall, i am still quite fine with this confinement, not really averse to it. Somemore, there are books, mp3 and bunkmates to keep me company. Everything will be just fine i think. One more good thing is i can save more money, instead of keep spending whenever i go out. Also, when the operation is over, it will be 6 months more to ORD. Hmmm.... there is perhaps one problem. Your birthday is on 05/05, hope i can be back in time and get your present.

Below are the photos taken during coy's outing.





























Yea... Need to use photoshop to edit a bit because the photos are very badly taken by one of my friend. Quite sad, i was busy taking the food and eating that i miss quite a lot of photo-taking session. Good thing was that 1 guy spotted me in the end, then asked me to join.

Ok.. Hail to Confinement. Bye!

Doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Finally back from my saturday duty. Slept only 4 hours during the whole 24 hours duty because my superior was around, and is not good to let him see me sleeping. Most of the time i am reading books and later at night, went to the recreation room and watch TV.

"I guess" really gives me a good laugh and when it comes to the couple part where the guests are supposed to guess which couple actually knows more about their the other halves, i was busy making comments. One of the guy proposed and cried in front of the TV. OMG!!! Can he please grow some balls?? This is a national TV! Actually the same things happen when i watching " A wedding Affair" with my friends. This is no time for being emo, sentimental or whatever. As a guy, if u aren't strong, u will be preyed upon sooner or later. So please.... be strong and stop the tears shit!

Last week is quite a dull week, no work for me and my friends, so we decided to bring in movies( Most provided by me!!). Thursday night, We watched White chick and brave story. Friday night, Click and lakehouse. Anyway, this is my second time watching click and i still find it very good. For lakehouse, actually my friend is not very incline to see because he keeps insisting the idea of 3 guys watching lakehouse sounds wrong. But eventually he still sees and it turns out that all of us are super engrossed towards the last half of the show. When Sandro Bullock decides to cease waiting and give up on keanu reeve, We were like saying quite unanimously," Fuck la, how come the girl so bastard."

Good thing is in the end, they both still miraculously met each other and kissed. Sweet scene plus happy ending. So glad i didn't waste my money to buy a lousy show.

Ok. monday to Wednesday is off days for me. Wanna catch Evangelion and august rush over this short break.

sky of love.

Watch "Sky of Love" at causeway point. A seriously touching show. Quite a numbers of girls cried in there. Even for a numbed person like me, there still tears in my eyes but, i never let it get out of my eyes. Haha! Furthermore it is a real story, which really bring us closer to the characters in the movie. Overall is a very nice show. For people that are devoid of feeling or brooding over their nihilistic life, i think this is a good show to get back your emotions and fill the void in your heart. I am so sure that i am going to buy the DVD if it is out.

A betrayal

I got this friend in NS, from RJC. He got this funny plan. He dun plan to get married or have children, only cohabit is allowed. And after his parents passed away and his brother is independent enough, he will go oversea and just get the doctor to give him an injection to let him die. Maybe at that time he may hesitate and withdraw his decision. That i will not know.

A betrayal by my own belief. Something i always believe and stick to very closely. But, it just dun work in this place(not that it is wrong). Is something like, what if all the fundamental assumptions in physics and maths are wrong(A belief supported by the science community). Almost everything will just go haywire and breaks down. It is about the same thing.

Damned... kind of hate my brain. Keeps on perceiving stuffs and processing it.

Feel like a carnivore.

Great, my OC asks the whole of ATGM platoon and me to go for a dinner at "carnivore" in Vivocity, since we won during the games day in Sentosa. Anyway is my OC treat! At first i am not very inclined to go, then since the PC and the men keep insisting, i think is better not to turn them down. So met up at 7.30pm in the restaurant itself, and there are people that are late for about one and a half hours.

They serve a lot of meats, like beef, lamb, chicken, ham, sausage, chicken hearts, fish and bacon etc. It is really meat, meat and only meat. Though i dun really like to eat meat, i think the beef are quite well done, then some others also have with it a unique taste. Overall, i think the food is quite good, just that it dun really suits me.

Hmm.... next week is a long week. 2 of my friends and me are to decide who is to do COS for next thurs, fri and sat. Well, i think all of us dun wanna do weekend duties, but in the end i volunteer. Because, i got the least to lose. Well, nothing in the outside world really matters that much to me anymore. I think i just need to stock up some movies, musics and food for my COS duties.

I seriously need to rethink my life a bit.

Yummy dinner.

Met up with kian and kong for dinner at "Waraku" in Marina Square. The food is nice, service is good and most importantly, they serve coke for waiting customers. Lol. But then, this kind of expensive meal cannot eat everyday one. Once a while is ok. With no photos, i dun see the point of i saying what i ate. Lol. Quite hard to imagine using words alone.

After that, bought a lego set. It has been quite some time since i build a lego castle.














This is the castle i bought. Looks quite nice. Lol. Because i keep buying toys, my mum keeps complaining i m childish, won't grow up. But apparently, there are people out there with their so called "maturity", still behave and think in a very dumb way.

Just realise something, people will always justify for themselves in such a way that it seems that they are right. Anyway, the most common form of justification is "Giving priority to our own self-interest", because after all, we hate pain but like pleasure. Well, if people think this is right, then let it be. Because, i have seen this in many cases that even i am sort of convinced.

Anyway, i think i may die early. Haha! My life too much sadness already and will affect the chemical balance in my brain and body. Like that more prone to disease. Lol. Sounds like self-fulfilling prophecy. Lol. Think too much already. Still wish to stay in this world for a long time. There are still lots of things i like about here other than those bad memories.

Ok.... lots of nice movies coming up. I think August Rush will be a nice movie.

Tpecca

After grievance comes acceptance. I m no longer asking why is she having a good life while i m suffering. I see that as a fact already. For her friend that keep urging me to let go and try to argue here and there, don't think too highly of yourself. Whatever you all say are not making any difference to the situation, so find it a waste of time arguing with you all. But your vain effort is still appreciated though.

For yun, one part of me wants to thank you for the apathy and cruelty that you have shown me. You make me understand the concept of coldness in this world, something which i very much don't want to accept. But since it happens to me, and i witness it, i got to accept it. And, i hope you won't teach your friend or child this kind of ideal, "Dump ur boyfriend and dun give a damned about him". Well, the other part of me, wanted you to stay happy.

-Anger is not only inevitable, but it is necessary. For in it's place is indifference, the worst of all human qualities-

Well, the hatred is there, but hatred arises because i used to love you. And seriously, it has been years since i really get so angry. A really good warm up for the dormant anger inside me.

Ok, may god bless you in whatever you do and show guidance to your every action.