cycle through.

A funny world indeed. When i was still young, i remembered i was asking question about some electicity stuff, and my dad replied, "nothing in physics last forever. light bulb will spoil, battery will get exhausted" and with my further study in physics, perhaps i can add on to this, "matter decay, and even the smallest particle can be changed to other form of energy as permitted by heisenberg uncertainty principle". So, what is truely permanent? I not sure about the physical law, but i m sure that at least for the world we live in, nothing is and that of cause include the people around us. This year seems to be a funny year, witnessed quite a number of deaths, one of which is my grandma, and one is a secondary schoolmate. To be honest, i don't really feel much about my schoolmate death, but just set me into thinking.

As i was reading through all the comments given by his friend, i was thinking, if his death mean so much to them, why shouldnt they treasure him or even maintain a constant communication with him while he was alive. "盖棺定人“, i guess this will be an apt description of this scenario. Only, when people pass away, then we started judging them, in term of their contribution or their past actions etc. Then, the next question will be, is their emotion or sympathy overrated? There is a quote that says," A death of one is a tragedy, and death of many a statistics". How true. When people in impoverished country are dying of hunger, or even being brutally abused by local authority what are we really doing? I guess if people could redirect their sympathy for one death to the death of many i guess it will be much better. There are many ways to reach out and make a difference to the people out there that is suffering( Either in out own country or outside), and if the sympathy of us can be transformed into a self-justified way of helping them, it will indeed make a difference.

...when we finally know we are dying, and all other sentient beings are dying with us, we start to have a burning, almost heartbreaking sense of the fragility and preciousness of each moment and each being, and from this can grow a deep, clear, limitless compassion for all beings.

Out of the mess

Just finished my econs tutorial and readings. After that, i sat in front of the comp, surf through some forums, facebook and some blogs. It is quite interesting that, all the blogs are not updated, even for though people that used to be a frequent updater. Then i looked at the past 1 month, i think i can understand why.

Everything comes in a flash (Not yet gone in a flash) like Uni admin stuffs, orientations, lectures, tutorials etc. To some extent, i really cant believe that i am in uni now as an undergraduate, perhaps things happen too fast, and i was not really prepared for it. Now, i am faced with lab reports, tutorials and all sorts of activities in front of me, and this whole thing just look like a convoluted mess in front of me (Oops, not in front of me, i am actually within this whole mess). Faced with all these hectic-ness and franticness, i guess the best way is to make an effort to adapt to it, and ya... that is what most of my fren are busy with, so they dun really have the time to blog.

Next up, i really enjoy what i am learning in my uni. Very proud to be a physics major in NUS. Well continue on this part next time. Too tired too continue....

How i present myself is how i wan people to remember me..... But this is so not true for me...  

When you approach the end of the road, what do you see?

Just fiddle abit with my guitar and did some morning static exercise. After everything, i just sat in front of my desktop and my mind suddenly thought of something.

I remember reading a book that wrote," Religion tends to paint a beautiful afterlife picture, so that people will not be too afraid of it. At the same time, if human can, because of this beautiful picture looks forward to afterlife then humanity has failed itself.". I can't remember the exact phrasing, but this is the main gist. The last part of this sentence struck me deeply - Humanity has failed itself. Perhaps, we human has through our own hand constructed a fearful world for ourselves. Maybe, we ourselves are the source of each pain and sorrow. Yes, all these are very probable.

Though the world is not exactly very pleasant to live in, i m definitely not one that looks forward to afterlife and this does not mean i am afraid of it. If the objective reality cant be changed, then perhaps we can change the subjective reality and this lies in us. In counseling theory, i remembered is called the ABC model.

And as for the answer to my title, I dont really care what i will see at the end of the road, all that matters is what i will see along the way.

Best read of the month.

" One day everything will be well, that is our hope. today everything is fine, that is our illusion."

"We never quite get over the sorrow caused by losing those loved; we only learn to live with it and to live despite it; which makes living a richer thing. That is sorrow's gift."

These are 2 quotes that are extracted from the book i am reading now. It has been months since i found a book that can impress me incredibly much. A book by A.C grayling " The meaning of things- Applying philosophy to life". This book is made up of many short essays that tackle with every aspects of life. For example, some of the chapters in it are "death","tolerance","virginity","peace" and so on... Each chapter consists of 2 to about at most 6 pages, which is pretty short for any book. But after i read it, i understand why each chapter is so short. The reason is there is no reason for it to be long. The author just did a fantastic job in covering the width and depth of a particular theme within the 6 pages. Any longer, it will be superfluous.

In fact to me, though this book just consist of many independent short chapters compiled together, i found it quite a "heavy" read. The whole book is laid with sentence like the quotes above. It induces a lot of thinking, a lot of cross referencing to my experience and the reality. Frankly speaking, to be able to cover every aspect of life to such great depth and all the way down to the tiniest details, i really wonder what kind of life he has been through. He is definitely one of my most admired writer. Going to get his other books soon. haha...

unconsidered life is not worth living- by socrates. <--- i think is very true. i am a great advocate of this ideal.

Clown.

I remember a story that goes something like this.....

One day, in a small little town, a man went to a psychiatrist in that same town over the problem that deep within him, he can't seems to be happy. This doctor then recommended him to a super famous entertainer(a clown) in town which was believed to be able to evoke laughter and happiness in the man, but it turned out that this unhappy man is actually the entertainer.

Interesting story. Somehow, i can actually empathize with this unhappy man. In his daily life, he had to put on that facade and performed to gain the smile and laughter in the audience. It was his job's obligation. For me, i too put on a facade and it is one akin to a clown. The only difference is, my facade stemmed from my insecurity.

Off to Hong Kong

Can't believe it, tomorrow and i will be off to Hong Kong. It is really not that much of what i will do there, but is what i will see there. The idea of going to a new environment and dwell in it for 2 weeks is both challenging and interesting. Let's hope i will learn more things when i am there and bring it back to singapore.

Argh... i hate the prelude to a holiday trip. It is tons of admin stuffs plus PACKING. Racked my brain over what i should bring and i ended up with a half-filled luggage. It is good isn't it? It means i can bring more stuffs back from hong kong, but the initial look of the half filled bag kind of irked me. Got this strong urge to fill it up. Ok... i shall not do some insanely stupid stuffs. Actually wanted to bring my DSLR camera over, but since i will be there for 2 weeks, i think is better not to bring. The long stay there will increase the risk of my camera and worst i dun have a risk premium so i am not going to take the risk.

Ok.. i think i will end here. Will get souvenirs for my frenx when i am over there. There goes my money... sob...

Volunteer

Went for voluntary camp with eeteng and ah neh at shu qun sec school. It lasted for 4 days including one day of training. We are dealing mostly with naughty students or even delinquents. The first day was definitely beyond what we expected or can even imagine. It is horrendous... The disobedience and the outrageous behavior.

First day was demoralising, but i still pushed on and tried to give my best in leading my group of students ( And unfortunately i got the worst group, with the most problem student). The hard part is, they are a bunch of defiant students, and if i was to employed the hard technque, it wun work. If we pushed them too hard They will even rail vulagarities at us. So the only way for them to work with me, is to establish rapport with them and earn their respect. The key to this whole problem then is to establish a fine balance.. yeap.. it is very very fine.

Quite proud that after second and third days, they started to listen to me, i told them varous stories that motivate them and help them mend their ways. End of the day, i received lots of notes from my student saying, "I am a good leader", "thank you, i appreciate that". Though the first day seriously sucks, i din give up and in the process i gain a lot of valuable experiences. The result was very rewarding. I may not change them, but i din leave a footprint in their memories.

haha.... one more thing. There is one student leader attach to us to help us in the camp. My student leader din really like me from the start, because i present myself to be a bit heck care kind (There are reason for that, but nvm...). But at the end of it, she said she actually learnt a lot of things from me and i really was quite glad that i manage to earn her respect at the end of the camp.

Th experience in this camp may not be like those fun games that enable you to make more friends or have tons of fun, but it surely was an unique experience with its own sense of fun and fulfillment. If situation permits, i will not mind joining again. I had learnt a lot from this camp and i appreciate this opportunity.

Change

A sudden urge to write something.

Went to marina square yesterday to celebrate my sister's 19 birthday. ya.. nothing spectacular about that. I am more surprised by the disappeared "lego" shop. I got this hobby of collecting lego minifigurines and toying with them. I still can remember that i used to patronised that shop whenever i am at marina square without fail. Yeap... but yesterdays it's not there anymore. I told my dad about it, he says, "economy is bad, toys shop arent exactly doing very well." I brought it a bit further by saying that it's quite independent of this economic crisis, it is the problem with the kids now. With a PSP and XBOX who would wanna play with such stuff. Quite sad la... i still find such things very appealing, and i hope through advertisement or wad, "Lego" will try to reach out to the modern kids. yeap.. must let them know that game is not just limited to virtual reality.

Somehow... the urge stops.

Too much of a coincidence,

Great, 3 months since i last saw this blogging interface. 2 more months to university's life, 6 months since i ORD and a total of 8 months of freedom in my hand. I promised to make this 8 months a fulfilling and productive one, and thus far, i think everything is going quite well. Not exactly as planned, but is satisfying enough. Next up, is to enjoy and plan for my last 2 months. Then i will talk about some random thoughts below....

Looking back (not too back actually), i have taught in PJC for 4 months. Taking the role of a teacher does indeed expose me to a different vantage point, different environment and different experience. I learned a great deal of stuffs from this fresh experience and of course from my students also. For example, the technique of voice projection to allow u to consistently yell from 3 hours, and ways of dealing with different people and various impromptu shit (yes.. it's shitty). haha... But all in all, i think is fun and memorable and i've made lots of friends in the process. Sometimes, different events in life are connected in such a weird manner that the end result is something one could never have expected. Going to PJC to teach is never my intention, and as a matter of fact, i dislike that place, mainly because of the bad memories that i have during the 2 years there. But, amazingly.... with a bit of coincidence (All because of Nguan kiang), i am given a place to teach there, in a time of bad economy. Isnt it kind of ironic? A place that i disliked actually ended up "saving" me? And because of the fun and all-new experiences i have in teaching in PJC, i think my impression of PJC take a change. Well, maybe that is fate or maybe its just mere coincidence. But, i would prefer to believe in the former one. :)

I dont know since when i become more ambivalent, more cynical, more thinking. haha... there are comments by my colleague that i am ambivalent as in, i will say one thing, and after that say the opposing stuffs to what i say. hmm... let me rationalise that. Life itself is a conundrum, no doubt about it, there are always various facets to an issue, and perhaps, being exposed to the conundrum in life, i am more apt in see things from different angles and most of the time taking a stand is hard. So, i ended up saying contradictory statements. As for the cynical and thinking part, i think its just because i am more conscious of the world i am surviving in. Perhaps just like what karl marx thinks, "workers can only become more conscious through revolution". In essence, it is the straits and tribulations that makes one more aware and pull him out of the quixotic dream that he is in.

Oh yes.... that is one kind of person which i could not bring myself to talk to - People with a closed mind and overvalue his own opinion too much. Yeap, this kind of people will tend to be too sure of what he knows or what he says, so leaving no room for second opinion. When facing such people, i just tend to end conversation fast. haha.... because unfortunately or perhaps fortunately i like to engage in "discussion", and talking to such people will tend to have a frustrating result. In my workplace, i have seen fellow colleagues and students that belong to such category. Well... cant really do anything about it. perhaps some day they will meet their stumbling block and change ba....

This 5 months is really a period where i make a lot of new friends, through badminton and through my workplace. It really sets me thinking about human's relation. first question that comes to my mind is, "Why do we behave differently in front of different people? Are we being hypocritic? which personality then is the real one?" hmm....i have more or less gotten an answer for it. we behave in accordance to other's interest, common topics and familiarity. All the different self that we portrayed are equally real, because they are just different part of us (Atomistic theory). Yeap... then i draw a conclusion that no one can entirely understand a person, no matter how close they are, so different people understand different part of you, some bigger part and some smaller, but never entirely. Link to my life.... during the teaching period, i din portray the thinking and mature side of me, but i choose to show the fun, frivolous and childish side of me. well... i din really know why i choose to show this side, maybe this is what i want them to remember me for.

Ok.... i think this entry is pretty long, is time to end it ba....

Teacher.

Rethink rethink and rethink....

Teacher- An ambition that i have held on to for at least 4 yrs. I found great pleasure in educating the younger one and imparting knowledge and experience to them. It is quite fulfilling and no doubt a very meaningful job. But, teaching in PJC for roughly 2 months, i realise i may need to rethink my career option. The teaching experience is great, get to manage the class and try out different methods to make them assimilate what i have taught them. But, it get kind of mundane for example, to go through the same single worksheet 9 times in a week and manage to memorise every single value and answers by the 6 lesson. Also, there are a lot of admin matters that teacher need to work on as well, such as compiling questions. OMG... seriously dread this. Need to go through every school papers and copy and paste plus aligning. To make things worst, the formatting varies from school to school and it sucks. If being a teacher means to teach and guide student alone, i will gladly accept it. But time changes, now even the teacher must be adept at multi-tasking. Argh.... thank goodness i nvr try applying for teaching scholarship and get myself bonded. LOL!!! This seriously cannot be my life...


Ok, more serious note, sometimes i wondered, which teachers actually left the deepest impression in me and what about them that is worth remembering and admiring. Throughout for academic studies, i never really met a teacher that is worth admiring ( It is veyr very hard for me to admire someone), but there is this teacher which i find impressive. He is my guitar teacher. He is in his early 50s i think. It is not the skills that impressed me, but the passion for teaching and most importantly, the passion for music. He has his own set of firm belief system for music and when he preach about his own philosophy, it just amazed me. I explain a bit here, in this world, it is hard to find someone that has a strong passion towards something and even if a particular person got a strong passion, it will tend to succumb to societal pressure, peer pressure or some other form of pressure that makes u the abnormalities. Hence, to be able to brave through all these pressure, one need to establish a firm belief system base on his passion. And true enough, my teacher got this characteristics. The world dont appreciate abnormalities and mavericks, but most of the time, these are the kind of people that will emerge as the successful one.

Defining self.

Ok, end of the week already (Some calendar prefer to define sunday to be the start of the week, but i prefer it to be the end). Last week had been quite heavy and exhausting. Just sent 2 good friends off to Australia for their studies. Good luck to their future endeavours! I think the main source of exhaustion still come from the intense amount of thinking... For some unknown reasons, lots of questions started popping up in my mind. The thing about life is that, it is a series of paradigm shift and continuous search for answers. It turns out that most of the time, the answer to our question is yet another question or even more questions. Perhaps we should accept "no answer" as our answer to our question to terminate this iteration process. But i am not really a person that can settle with "no answer" to my question. I am still exploring and learning. Hope i can get a more satisfactory answer...

Just found some nice music while surfing. All instrumental but is more towards the POP instead of classical, by SENS. Most of the pieces are really emo to the max, and this makes me like it even more. Well, so for ppl that like some emo instrumental music can try their songs.

I still think i am not an easy to understand person. Unless, someone befriend me for a long time, or i willing to bring out my other side and talk, most people will not understand me. Good thing is there are a small handful of peopl that understand different part of me. This makes me not that alone...

The closest to heaven i can get.

There will come a point where you can no longer simplify without complicating it.

It will be good if there is an all-encompassing rule to help us make decision or perceive our surrounding. But such rule does simply doesnt exist. World is just complicated, no way we can simplify it further. Been trained in science for 10 years, we are programmed to believe in a deterministic world, a mechanistic world, a simple rule operating behind our seemingly complex world. This simplification process makes our daily life event or any other world event more accessible to our mind, and gave us a false sense of security. But this excessive simplification will just result in loss in information which deprived our mind of the pertinent and neccessary info during decision making or life pursuit.

The study of humanities subject ranging from history, literature to philosophy does not teach us any lessons that is useful at all. In another word, it is just mere "noise" with no meaning. They tend to complicate things to such an extent that it has practically infinitesimal amount of utility. Only through distilling through all those information from the text, then can we filter off the noise and obtain useful information. This is why some people get bored at reading the dialogue by socrates, because to them, all these raw words are just like noise that is, firstly beyond comprehension and secondly useless. But all these text are so highly priced for a reason, and that lies in the meaning behind all those noise which can only be reached through thoughtful analysis. The next funny thing is again, not all the meaning that is derived is useful or in some sense "right". Different people learn of different things from the same text of reference. But not all is applicable in this world and not all are equally right. This is where next stage of filtering comes, choose the idea or meaning that most fit the environment. These filtering of useful information can continue ad infinitum, and the end result, if there is any, will be the quintessence. This quintessence should by right be the most simplified and useful information. But from the start, simplified stuff often proved to be of no value or utility. There is a contradiction. This second paragraph just presents a very faulty thought process, which is simplicity varies directly with the usefulness.

In life we are face with complexity, and using simplicity as an arsenal will not help. There is no simple way out of these intricate complexity of life. We just got to live with it.

Perpetual headache

Great... started working as a relief teachers for 4 days and it is just "fun" with an exclamation "!". Initially i thought it will be kind of weird to be working with the full time teachers in the office, but it is not. Also, i m not the only one there, there are abt 8 relief teachers with 6 teaching arts and GP subjects. Ya... so my working environment is kind of flooded with english all the way. Thanks god, i got lots of RJ friends in army around me, at least they let me accustomed to this kind of english env, and yes, those RJ english is ridiculously powerful -some are literally walking dictionary.

Nothing much to do there. Need to be there for at least 5.5 hours daily, while my longest teaching hours in one day is 3 hours and shortest, is no lesson at all. lol.... so need think of stuffs to do in staff room. The more interesting part is teaching the students. All in all, i would say so far so good. The "fun" factor is there.

What is holding me back? - A dumb promise i made, or my incompetence?

I think is my incompetence. I seriously cant make it...

Happy new year pull your ear!

Looking back at the last entry posted, i had not update my blog for 2 months. Seems that my life get more busier after ORD. Let's see, from november till now, what had happened.

1. Bought new furniture and gave my room a new outlook. Quite proud of this!
2. Successfully became a member of mensa.
3. Organised Christmas and new year events. Painful process, entertaining result
4. That's all i think.

Yea, then subsequently met up with one of my JC friend whom i had not seen for 2 yrs plus but still remain in contact via msn. The topic we discussed was, wad do we want to achieve in the next 5 yrs. 5 yrs is quite a long period of time, and my goal was to my the time as short as possible when i m inside the 5 yrs period. In this 5 years, no doubt most people will be in uni studying for this whole period. Other than academic achievement, what more can we achieve? This is the question i pose to myself. Ok, back to this friend of mine, he got a well laid out plan to make entrance to the stock market and earn a large some of money to start a business. The interesting part about his plan is he take into account failure. Imagine this, who will actually put failure in their future plan, like, i may retain for 1 yr, or i might get expelled from school. Back to me, i dun have any grand plans to become a millionaire or lawyer or doctor etc. But i know i have many small plans that is going to add up to become a great significant plan. I wil keep the plan to myself for the time being first. Then to conclude, we will meet up again 5 years later to talk about wad we had achieved for the past 5 yrs and our plan for the next 5 yrs. Really enjoy this kind of conversation which really shed alot of insights to me.

Next up, organised a trekking trip for my buddies, and met up for dinner at changi village and supper at prinsep st area on last sunday. lol... All the food is i introduced one, especially the food at changi village. Despite being away from there for 2 months alr, i still kind of miss the food there. And yes, the rochor "dou hua"- my camp buddy and i always had this after our night pool session. Initially kian, kiat and kong were very very reluctant to go because of the distance and time factor. Thankfully kong managed to get a car and drove us there. But really, sometimes life should not be bound up by all these factors. lol, sometimes its ok to do some stupid stuff once in a while. Who knows, you may discover something new along the way.

ok... end off here. Wish everybody a good year ahead and of course, happy chasing dream.